TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully outside of location. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A different put exactly where American men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Anyone a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from space, a element remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after locating the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level can even include things like:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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